No Thank You by Shel Silverstein
No cute, cuddly kitty-poo,
No more long hair in my cornflakes,
No more midnight meowing mews.
No more scratchin’, snarlin, spitters,
No more sofas clawed to shreds,
No more smell of kitty litter,
No more mousies in my bed.
No I will not take that kitten– –
I’ve had lice and I’ve had fleas,
I’ve been scratched and sprayed and bitten,
I’ve developed allergies.
If you’ve got an ape, I’ll take him,
If you have a lion, that’s fine,
If you brought some walking bacon,
Leave him here, I’ll treat him kind.
I have room for mice and gerbils,
I have beds for boars and bats,
But please, please take away that kitten– –
quick– – ’fore it because a cat.
Well … it is kind of cute at that.
Poison-Tester by Shel Silverstein
I’m here to taste your food for you.
‘Cause you could die in half a minute
If there’s one drop of poison in it.
That lemonade to quench your thirst?
You’d better let me taste it first.
Mmm--it’s OK, but these boysenberries.
I’ll make sure they’re safe, but that burger might
Be deadly--mmm--no, it’s all right.
And now I’ll test your hot fudge sundae;
Let’s hope I’m not dead by Monday.
Mmm-- it seem OK, but the poison could be
In the very late bite, so leave it for me.
Mmmm--well, it’s all safe and my job is through.
See how I risked my life for you?
Afterwards at Chili's
notice: NO MORE BRACES
